American Parenting vs German Parenting: 5 Stunning Issues I Discovered as an Expat

After practically 4 years as an American expat mother or father in Germany, listed here are my takeaways.

When my husband and I moved to Germany for his post-doctoral diploma, our plans admittedly didn’t embody getting pregnant, having a child, after which elevating our new little one into toddlerhood in a brand new nation. We envisioned ourselves catching low-cost flights on the weekends to neighboring international locations, savoring new tastes, and taking in new sights and cultures.

Nonetheless—*file scratch*—I grew to become pregnant inside a month of our arrival.

It was a contented shock, to make sure. But we questioned how this transformation would have an effect on our expertise in a brand new nation.

However this flip of occasions started a much more intimate and wealthy cultural expertise of our new house than we may have imagined, main us to study and embrace a brand new parenting philosophy that has formed how we’re elevating our daughter.

The German parenting philosophy

First, a caveat: This text outlines my expertise and impression, which was doubtless influenced by the place I lived, my very own cultural background, and so forth. I’ll say “German parenting philosophy” in broad phrases, however after all, there are exceptions all over the place, and my expertise won’t essentially replicate what one other expat mother or father would possibly expertise, or what Germans themselves would possibly describe as their parenting philosophy.

That stated, to me, the “German parenting philosophy” appeared to permeate your entire tradition. Youngsters, the aged, younger grownup professionals with out children, even the intimidating German authorities itself—everybody appears to respect this philosophy, and its implicit guidelines.

The impact for me as a pregnant lady, after which as a younger mom, was profoundly comforting, and challenged and altered some views I had held about elevating youngsters from my private expertise with American parenting tradition.

Earlier than my daughter was even born, I started observing parenting variations. Early on in my being pregnant, I met a fellow American expat mother at a espresso store, to pepper her with questions on what it’s like to offer beginning in a German hospital. Close to us, a mom with a younger toddler was assembly considered one of her woman buddies, and I watched because the little boy started to climb his stroller, which was parked subsequent to their desk.

I anticipated a panicked warning from his mom, and for him to be admonished for his makes an attempt, however as a substitute, his mom merely stated, “Oh! You’re climbing!” and steadied the stroller. Her pal wordlessly assisted with preserving the stroller upright, they usually stopped their dialog whereas they watched him rigorously climb.

As soon as he reached the highest, they each cheered his success as he beamed with satisfaction. They continued to carry the stroller as he rigorously climbed again down, after which merely resumed their dialog whereas he quietly moved on to a different playful exploration.

It was at that second that I knew parenting in Germany could be completely different, and I used to be able to study. Reflecting again on my expertise, I observed 5 key classes about what makes parenting completely different in Germany, and necessary distinctions between American and German parenting tradition.

Taking huge dangers is wholesome, and necessary

From the stroller instance above, you might need already guessed this: Germans are comfy, even encouraging, of babies taking huge—doubtlessly harmful—dangers.

One of many playgrounds we liked to go to with our toddler had this rope construction, which might be two tales tall, and accessible to any little one decided sufficient to achieve it.

If a baby fell by way of any of the sizable holes within the web, solely a skinny layer of sand under would cushion their fall. Mother and father sometimes sat far-off in garden chairs on the grass, chatting, whereas periodically waving or smiling at their little one’s climbing efforts, with minimal to no “hovering.”

The German mind-set on permitting youngsters to do harmful issues is that youngsters know and perceive that they’re pushing the restrict, in order that they’re extra targeted and cautious in the course of the exercise, and due to this fact extra secure.

In reality, a rising variety of German educators and city planners are literally demanding that playgrounds be constructed with extra danger and hazard concerned, believing that it’s necessary for youngsters to expertise real-world repercussions, in what remains to be a comparatively managed setting.

I all the time aimed to permit our daughter to take extra dangers, however German dad and mom confirmed me that youngsters have been able to taking even better dangers that I had assumed is likely to be attainable. Our daughter has unbelievable climbing and balancing abilities, and better confidence normally, due to many hours on German playgrounds that inspired huge, daring varieties of play.

Let little youngsters be little youngsters

Earlier than the ages of about 7 or 8, little children are given hundreds of leeway for enjoying, or just working towards their social and bodily abilities, in public areas.

When my daughter was studying to stroll, I might set her down on the sidewalk and encourage her to toddle. As soon as, she started to weave on her unsteady little legs from left to proper throughout your entire sidewalk, unintentionally (and repeatedly) stopping a pair from passing her.

I shortly scurried over and guided her to at least one aspect so they may go, and apologized for the inconvenience.

They checked out me with confused smiles. “Aber das ist in Ordnung?” (Mainly, “However that is regular/to be anticipated?”) They couldn’t perceive why I used to be apologizing.

This perspective of giving plenty of grace and understanding towards little learners was widespread. Except a baby was being damaging or deliberately obnoxious, Germans have been both prepared to totally overlook, and even cease and smilingly admire, as youngsters performed and showcased new abilities, from toddling and cooing, to accumulating new “treasures” and conducting little “experiments”—even in public areas.

For folks, it’s reassuring to make sure that your little one’s efforts to study are seen positively and with understanding, even by strangers. Now, I make better efforts to point out different dad and mom that I’m not bothered by their little one’s makes an attempt to study and develop, even when I’m briefly inconvenienced. Additionally, I examine myself earlier than I rush to reduce my daughter’s regular, age-appropriate studying behaviors once we’re in a public house.

German dads get to be extra concerned within the elevating and care of their youngsters

First, let me give an enormous shout-out to Millennial dads within the US, who’re more-involved fathers than maybe any earlier era.

In reality, Millennial American fathers are additionally extra prone to say they need to be extra concerned with their youngsters’s lives, however cite work obligations as the first impediment.

Nonetheless, German fathers are granted beneficiant parental depart allowances (as much as three years), which I observed had a big and constructive impact on the bonds between fathers and their youngsters, fathers’ confidence in taking good care of all points of taking good care of their youngsters, and vastly diminished stress ranges and strain on German moms to “do all of it,” as a result of their companions have been ready to be a big a part of caring for the kid.

I noticed dads pushing child strollers on their approach to an errand, child baggage strapped to their backs, and even a gaggle of man buddies ingesting at a Biergarten in the course of the afternoon, joking and entertaining the infant one of many fathers had introduced alongside for bonding time.

It highlighted to me the significance of not solely combating for maternal depart for brand spanking new moms within the US, however additionally combating for paternal depart for brand spanking new fathers.

I walked away from my expertise in Germany feeling that I had seen clear advantages from insurance policies that encourage household bonding and parental connection to new child youngsters, and the significance of not forgetting fathers within the battle for parental depart allowance.

“No such factor as dangerous climate, solely unsuitable clothes.”

This quote, attributed to the late British naturalist Alfred Wainwright, has been embraced by outdoorsy dad and mom throughout the UK and Europe, and Germans have been no exception.

Barring a lightning storm, German youngsters gave the impression to be inspired to play exterior every single day, in nearly any climate. They’ve an intensive wardrobe for various climate circumstances: Matschhose (softshell coveralls), Gummistiefel (rain boots), Regenjacke (rain jacket), Mütze (beanie), and extra.

This mindset and accompanying wardrobe creates extra alternatives for out of doors play, and fewer excuses like, “It’s raining exterior right now, so we will’t go anyplace.” Even on scorching summer time days, Germans discover methods to beat the warmth exterior, as their houses sometimes don’t have A/C.

Water playgrounds (Wasserspielplatz), swimming in swimming pools and rivers, and sipping cool drinks beneath the shady bushes of a Biergarten whereas children performed close by—getting outdoor was straightforward and anticipated, so Germans have been cautious to domesticate weather-appropriate venues and actions.

In winter, after layering your garments and sporting correct cold-weather equipment, you can get pleasure from ice skating, sledding, and Christmas markets, relying on the month.

Rising up in rural Texas, I performed exterior for a lot of hours most days, however had ignored or uncared for my pure want to be outdoor for a few years after graduating faculty and getting into the workforce.

Decided to assist my daughter get pleasure from an identical nature-filled childhood, she and I took up the 1,000 Hours Outdoors Problem final yr, which inspires dad and mom and caregivers to spend at the least 1,000 hours exterior with their youngsters over the course of a yr, in all seasons.

We didn’t attain our purpose, however that wasn’t the purpose: We made recollections whereas exploring the outside, and I watched my daughter blossom with confidence as she mastered climbing abilities, discovered the fun of dropping rocks in rivers, splashed in puddles, and picked flowers. And I discovered higher abilities about dressing for any climate.

Whereas many locations within the US excel at offering alternatives for households and communities to be outdoor, I’m grateful that the primary adolescence of my daughter’s life have been in Germany, the place having a group of like-minded dad and mom helped me recenter my objectives of giving our daughter a nature-based childhood, regardless of the climate.

Regardless of having a repute as being unfriendly, Germans are usually very variety, and I used to be deeply touched by the variety of strangers who went out of their manner to assist me, a younger mom, and my child daughter.

Throughout these inevitable moments once I was operating errands whereas my daughter was maybe too drained and wished to be house, she would (understandably) burst into tears, and my efforts to consolation her could be fruitless.

Many instances an aged German would seem by her aspect, gently take her hand, and start talking smooth phrases of encouragement and luxury, assuring her that she would go house quickly, mommy and daddy could be there, she may sleep, and all the pieces could be OK.

To my amazement, my daughter would calm down, sniffling again little tears, clearly feeling higher. I used to be all the time grateful for the kindness, gentleness, and persistence proven to my daughter, and the compassion these strangers confirmed to me, an inexperienced younger mom removed from her family, to step in and assist out.

And sure, I even felt grateful for the nosy little German Omas who appeared to materialize out of skinny air if I dared to stroll exterior into the chilly climate with out first placing a hat on my daughter’s poor little head.

Even their stern “Das Wetter ist kalt! Wo ist ihr Mütze?” (“The climate is chilly! The place is her hat?”) admonitions jogged my memory that I had a whole German grandparent military behind me—one of many many options of German parenting tradition that was surprisingly comforting, and a welcome cultural expertise in my new house, to this Ausländer.